Back to the womb

My spiral brings me here again, 30 weeks pregnant with baby 5.

What an honour to have danced this dance so many times, and each one so unique with its own gift to give me.

I am connecting with my own time in the womb. My relationship to the life giving, life sharing, placenta and cord.  A time when all needs were met instantly and unconditionally.

My heart opens as my mind and body soften to prepare to walk the worlds as gate keeper at the entrance to birth.

I hope this post finds you well

Here is Love

A

Laughing birth tumble

I am birthing myself
Deep in the forest
Where you can't find me

Where the birdsong
Drowns out your rigid lines
Designed to trap me
Into submission.

Where the air I breathe is the air breathed by generations before me,
And the land I walk upon is the welcome arms of mother earth

For no man can tell me more about myself than I know already

May the wise and gentle humour
That knows this to be true
Laugh lovingly, from the bowels of the earth,
Resounding from the mountains
Embracing all in it

As we tumble into the world together

New in each other's arms
Birdsong

Retreat
Safety
Depth
Longing
Home-coming

Received by the Mother
In laughing, loving, gentleness.

My friend Andy

My friend Andy, has chosen to die
He's come to the end of the track,
He's voted with his feet
He's not found what he needs in our world.

I selfishly imagined he'd just be there for evermore,
Chugging along like the rest of us
Bump into every now and again
With a shared past, shared memories,
Smile and a hug, on our way

But he won't be there anymore
For reasons best known to him
And partly known by all of us who ever knew him
He won't be there anymore

No shared memories to make
No shared future except through my own filter
And any cosmic link I might be able to make space for.

Can I go to the funeral?
Who would I be going for?
How am I going to go?
What space can I make
To remember a man, to touch in with the loss felt,
The responsibility shared,
The vibe we can all learn from,

Do I just carry on with what I see in moments as my struggle
That holds little of what I yearn for
And yet everything I am here to experience?

Do I continue to juggle the balls
Balance the many
Negotiate the tramlines of life
Day after day
And when an out-of-the-ordinary happening happens
I keep my head down and forge forwards?

Afraid to look at what it means
Afraid to allow the answers and gifts it may offer
In its tragedy

Well hopefully I won't
Hopefully I might rise out of this and allow myself to
Connect with our lost friend
And through him,
Connect with myself again.

Soul Bean

Soul bean you have come and i thought you would go,

I thank you for coming with your laugh and your skip

To wake me up to the blessings of today

To how much I am needed as mother

To all the babies in this house, the 2yo, 7yo, 10yo, 12yo, 37yo (maybe not the 53yo, he can do that himself)

all bumbling through and through.

Strength is a tall thing.

It stretches me up at the most surprising moments

To stand my power and confidently be

What I'm needed to be

And I hear that 2016 is about continuing to polish up our lives to make them what we want them to be

To dust in the corners, unearth the ghosts of complacency

And watch as the beans planted by our desires and dreams take hold and soar

Oh please let it be true!

Is it all too much like hard work?

Can we truly have all of that?

Time will tell

And I will watch those beans grow

Tend and care for them

Like they're the gifts that they are.

Thankyou Soul Bean.

This journey of life is more extraordinary than I can know

Allowing the wild

Today I am Wild.

I have made the mistake oftentimes that I need to always carry my children with me on my journey. Frustrated that on a day when I want to embrace nature and have a bit more of a fluffy gaze on life, faded at the edges, softer, dreamier, the demands come thick and strong: can I have the tablet? What are we doing today? I want to leave Now?! Etc.

And in the blissful turn of events today, the younger two have gone out and I am here, bold and strong. Able to follow my dream time with the grounding focuses of house clearing and preparing two meals.

I can enforce this (or try to!) on my older girls who are with me here : Chill out!! Calm down!! Come for a walk!! Dance with me in the fields (well I know how well that one would go down with my blossoming girlchild!)

Or I can leave them in peace.

To tablet and organise their days as they please.

So off I stomp skip magic my way up the lane and over the hill.

Out of sight.

Tending the garden of the soul

There is a song by Carolyn Hillier that talks of the stages of womanhood: girlseed, blood flower, fruit mother, spin mother, mid woman, earth crone, stone crone, bone.

I am transitioning from fruit mother, when my delicious children were made and nourished by my body, to spin mother, where my creativity starts to take other outlets.

My seeds have been planted. I am now in my garden tending and pruning, chopping and rooting.

There is an alder tree there. I am at peace and protected. Bring back the fun!

I can't I can't I can't!

So why am I blogging when it's evening time, the children are settled, I'm keen to get my hands in the soil outside, my brain into one of the many projects, a cuddle with my man.... Why blog?

Well because today (and most days to be honest) I can't. And I don't want my life to be along list of can'ts...

And sharing here is something I can.

And I'm not going to moan so 'scuse me a sec while I prepare myself.....!

Wow what a beauty!!

So coming home then

Coming back to the centre of my being

Where there is peace and perfection

Where I join with Godmind

And surrender.

And the can'ts are as perfect as the cans

Where the expectations of myself stay in this moment

And appreciate and love what is Now

Gathering information,

Gathering experience,

Patience.

Trust.

Love.

And that is All.