My friend Andy

My friend Andy, has chosen to die
He's come to the end of the track,
He's voted with his feet
He's not found what he needs in our world.

I selfishly imagined he'd just be there for evermore,
Chugging along like the rest of us
Bump into every now and again
With a shared past, shared memories,
Smile and a hug, on our way

But he won't be there anymore
For reasons best known to him
And partly known by all of us who ever knew him
He won't be there anymore

No shared memories to make
No shared future except through my own filter
And any cosmic link I might be able to make space for.

Can I go to the funeral?
Who would I be going for?
How am I going to go?
What space can I make
To remember a man, to touch in with the loss felt,
The responsibility shared,
The vibe we can all learn from,

Do I just carry on with what I see in moments as my struggle
That holds little of what I yearn for
And yet everything I am here to experience?

Do I continue to juggle the balls
Balance the many
Negotiate the tramlines of life
Day after day
And when an out-of-the-ordinary happening happens
I keep my head down and forge forwards?

Afraid to look at what it means
Afraid to allow the answers and gifts it may offer
In its tragedy

Well hopefully I won't
Hopefully I might rise out of this and allow myself to
Connect with our lost friend
And through him,
Connect with myself again.