Is it possible to hide in motherhood?

There is safety certainly in focusing on trying to make the little ones' journeys as comfy as possible. 

 Are they warm?  Have they eaten enough (of the 'right' stuff)?

Each birth has taken my multi tasking loving arms to a new level,  I have noticed in glimpses, the areas where having a large family leaves some gaps in what I can offer the individual child as well as where it offers great gifts.

Now i am purposefully making gaps by starting to allow my self to shine through, and it hurts!

It hurts to be exposed and in a steep learning curve.  It hurts to feel a little distance from the family. But I can trust this distance as my roots are here good and grounded in the earth.

Fall back into the roots to rest. 

I am enough 
true free guided 
safe loved warm
 Here.

Take your seat at the table

A few footpaths have led to this place where I take my seat at the table amongst the strong women around me,

I am exploring the question "Who is my tribe?"
And I found to my great sadness that I did not place myself in my own tribe!

So again I am at a new place in my journey and learning how to take that place, embrace the joys and challenges but at least be working from a basis of belonging, however messy that may be!

When all there is to do is breathe

I lay in the dark
Sleeping bairns at my side
And I wonder why my head wishes to dance away from me so frequently

Under the guise of planning and thinking through our family needs for the next day, the next week, the next month, I am effectively making myself absent from this moment.

And I find that painful even though it is all I know!

The baby has been more restless this last few days, especially in the evening. And our next youngest daughter so loud and Present with a capital P

It feels completely understandable that I try to escape!  I'm tired and every minute of my day is used up. All the air time is chocka. It becomes like a sudoku puzzle of ensuring I spend time with each child and give brain space to our accounts,  our food,  and any other loose ends to plait or tie or feather.

But this is to become lost in doing.  Lost in practical,  achieving mode: a lust for action whereas in truth there is a need to Feel,  to Gaze and Laze,  to Breathe. 

To encounter the magic or pain of the moment is to surrender my control and allow something larger than myself to step in for it is not how it appears.

Hmm I'm not convinced by my words!
There is still lots to do!
I wonder how this truth will work out as I bring my attention to it. ....

..

Blessed Be
In peace
A

Path at your feet

The agony of staring at the path ahead
And not knowing if you are strong enough
The incline seems too steep to even  consider

But I look more deeply, more carefully
And see a waterfall with rainbows in the spray
A stag high on a precipice, gallant and bold
Birds wheeling through the blue skies
Lifted, their wingtips angled, skilfully soaring

How I love my path
I can lie down and inspect it's stones, dust, dips and hollows
Push my hand into the gravel to receive it's knobbly sharpened feedback

I am here
There is no other way

Rest awhile on the lush grass by the side
Let the sun warm you
And just for now,
When you regain your position,
Keep your eyes on the path at your feet

Back to the womb

My spiral brings me here again, 30 weeks pregnant with baby 5.

What an honour to have danced this dance so many times, and each one so unique with its own gift to give me.

I am connecting with my own time in the womb. My relationship to the life giving, life sharing, placenta and cord.  A time when all needs were met instantly and unconditionally.

My heart opens as my mind and body soften to prepare to walk the worlds as gate keeper at the entrance to birth.

I hope this post finds you well

Here is Love

A

Laughing birth tumble

I am birthing myself
Deep in the forest
Where you can't find me

Where the birdsong
Drowns out your rigid lines
Designed to trap me
Into submission.

Where the air I breathe is the air breathed by generations before me,
And the land I walk upon is the welcome arms of mother earth

For no man can tell me more about myself than I know already

May the wise and gentle humour
That knows this to be true
Laugh lovingly, from the bowels of the earth,
Resounding from the mountains
Embracing all in it

As we tumble into the world together

New in each other's arms
Birdsong

Retreat
Safety
Depth
Longing
Home-coming

Received by the Mother
In laughing, loving, gentleness.

My friend Andy

My friend Andy, has chosen to die
He's come to the end of the track,
He's voted with his feet
He's not found what he needs in our world.

I selfishly imagined he'd just be there for evermore,
Chugging along like the rest of us
Bump into every now and again
With a shared past, shared memories,
Smile and a hug, on our way

But he won't be there anymore
For reasons best known to him
And partly known by all of us who ever knew him
He won't be there anymore

No shared memories to make
No shared future except through my own filter
And any cosmic link I might be able to make space for.

Can I go to the funeral?
Who would I be going for?
How am I going to go?
What space can I make
To remember a man, to touch in with the loss felt,
The responsibility shared,
The vibe we can all learn from,

Do I just carry on with what I see in moments as my struggle
That holds little of what I yearn for
And yet everything I am here to experience?

Do I continue to juggle the balls
Balance the many
Negotiate the tramlines of life
Day after day
And when an out-of-the-ordinary happening happens
I keep my head down and forge forwards?

Afraid to look at what it means
Afraid to allow the answers and gifts it may offer
In its tragedy

Well hopefully I won't
Hopefully I might rise out of this and allow myself to
Connect with our lost friend
And through him,
Connect with myself again.