I write about coming home because it is hard for me to be here. My mum was here there and everywhere, her mother suffered from depression. Not much was talked about and here I am carrying that memory, that same patterning, that same struggle.
I'm learning to be at home. I sometimes don't have access to the car and two years ago we moved into the countryside a mile from the busstop. I then had a baby!! So I dealt myself, unconsciously, the situation where I had to learn to rest and 'be' without the distractions of others.
And oo how I love others! I love my friends, I love my family, I love the bustle of the city, watching people, tuning into different scenarios and trying to figure out relationships, stories, always figuring and working out the scene unfolding.
It can make life at home very dull! Maybe this is why my journey was to have four kids! It certainly gives ample material for people-watching in the comfort of your own home!
But my life is about unearthing the discomfort. When I can let go of the desire to watch others, watch anything, I find myself voyaging deep. Bringing to the surface the pain vibrations and watching them 'Pop' and disappear. It's quite something. And to witness this, to facilitate this I need to find stillness and bravely connect to the endings and dead parts of myself, my corner of the collective.
Another part of the story is that I am at home, honouring motherhood, the power and necessity of which has been lost over generations. I am here because everything says that primary caregiver connecting and being present with children for their first years is the number one thing we can do to reinstate peace and security into the hearts of humankind.
Not that I approach it as a crusader, I simply do it because my path has led me here. There's nothing else I feel confident and able enough to be doing right now, that would have anywhere near the feedback factor that hands on mothering has.
And the two things go hand in hand. I'm healing the past by being in the present, as present as I can be. I am witnessing the change that life is, each of our lifetimes spans between what was done then and what will be done. We leave our mark, our fingerprint on the whole. We navigate as best we can.
I believe that when I have learned to be home peacefully I will be able to sail further afield with a strength of knowing and of being.
